So You’re A Vampire: A Beginner’s Survival Guide For Caroline Forbes

My latest post for is up! I’ve included an excerpt below.

Click on ‘read more’ at the bottom of the page for the full length article.

So You’re A Vampire: A Beginner’s Survival Guide For Caroline Forbes

Dear Miss Forbes,

As a season-long member of The Caroline Forbes Fan Club and an advocate for the Preservation of Girlfriends Gone Vamp, I feel it is my duty to write to you to offer you my assistance through this difficult transition.

First and foremost, you should know that Mystic Falls has an extremely low newbie vamp survival rate. And by low, I mean none of them have made it past a few episodes, give or take, before being staked or burned to their untimely undead death. It has become a disturbing trend in your location and this would be the one time you definitely do not want to follow the latest trend.

Instead, might I suggest you set a new one?

Thought that might get your attention.

Without further ado then, here are 8 survival solutions to get you started:

Sunlight is NOT your friend.

Seriously. No joke. If you step out into the sunlight you will burn to ash with much screaming, pain and messiness. So for the time being, please PLEASE stay indoors during the daylight hours. Oh! And watch out for rogue sunbeams through the window. Smarts something awful! There may in fact be a way of solving this issue, but more on that later.

Take up an evening and pre-dawn ritual of long walks in the woods to commune with Nature.

If asked why, blame it on your near-death experience and new-found appreciation for life. Oh and by ‘commune’, I mean eat the squirrels. Trust me. Spare a friend. Avoid a stake. Eat a squirrel. You’ll thank me later.

Compel your doctor to write you a stay-home-for-at-least-a-week note

Get him/her alone (DON’T BITE HIM/HER), look deep into his/her eyes and tell him/her what you want him to do. They’ll do it. (Yes, there are some perks to this vamp gig but that’s another chapter.) I have a feeling you will be especially apt at this vamp skill. This note will buy you some time without having to answer a lot of questions about your anti-daylight routine and to deal with the realities your new identity.

Start collecting allies ASAP.

But DO NOT, under any circumstances, go to your mother! Truuuust me. We’ll discuss the good Sheriff later. Go to Elena. Yes, Elena Gilbert. She will totally understand and sympathize with your predicament. Elena will take you to Stefan Salvatore who will totally TOTALLY understand and sympathize with your predicament. See, Stefan is a vampire. Yes, a vampire; just like you but much, much older. Whew! Glad I got that off my chest. Keeping that from you for a whole season has been exhausting! Anyhoo, making vamp buddies with Stefan will lead inevitably to your running into his brother, Damon. Remember Damon? Yes, I was afraid you might, which brings us to …

Pick your battles very, very carefully.

Seasoned vamps are A LOT stronger than newbies and damn near impossible for a newbie to overcome, least of all do any damage to. Especially the ones, like Damon, who regularly feed on ‘people juice’ (that’s vamp slang for human blood). Damon’s got 145 years and litres upon litres of ‘people juice’ on you and he wasn’t really your biggest fan when you were human. So, as much as he may deserve your retribution, attempting to inflict it would be completely counter-productive to your survival plan at this point. So clench your fangs and brood it out for now. Baby vamp steps, sweetie; baby vamp steps.

And don’t even think about bulking out on ‘people juice’ yourself to try to come up to par. Feeding on humans in Mystic Falls is going to draw some very unwanted attention. Like your mother’s. Ergo … READ MORE

(Photos Courtesy of



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